Greener Grass

“I hear you when you tell me you love me. I hear you when you tell me that I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. I just don't see it. I stare at myself in the mirror every day and I don't see anything worth a second look. And I hate to re-open an old wound, but even though it’s been over a year since you cheated on me, its still crushing.  Crushing, yes because of the betrayal, but also because of the way those girls looked. Three different girls that all looked as if they walked right off of a runway. Clearly, you have a type, and I am not it. So yes, I hear you when you tell me that you love me, or that I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable, but I just don’t see it.”

“I'm assuming that speech was meant for me.”

Kimberly had no idea that Robert, her boyfriend of five years, was within earshot. She had spent the past thirty minutes standing in front of the mirror practicing how to deliver her soliloquy. Everything from her diction and phraseology, to using strategically placed inflection on certain words to awaken emotion. This is her normal routine before sharing her thoughts and feelings with him, but this is the first time she had ever been caught. Luckily for her, this was the first time she delivered it exactly the way she wanted. But unfortunately, there was so much more that she wanted to say that she can't seem to remember.

“I can't express enough how sorry I am for hurting you,” Robert says remorsefully. “You deserved so much better. But I mean it with every part of my heart when I tell you that the way those women looked had nothing to do with me having a type. I didn't find them more attractive than you. I never believed the grass was greener on the other side. I just felt like jumping the fence. Why, I honestly couldn't tell you. I can't give you an answer that will make sense. But I can tell you that you are by far the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

“I don't,” she says shaking her head. “I'm afraid of what I would see. I'm afraid that I would see me through your eyes the same way I see me through my eyes.”

“So, you think I'm lying?” Robert asks defensively.

“Yes. But it’s a beautiful lie. And I need that beautiful lie, because the ugly truth is too painful.”

Robert searches both his heart and mind for the right words. He is also searching for the right amount of words. In the past, whenever he became too talkative it was usually to cover a lie. But he is now faced with responding in a manner that she will only see as a lie. A beautiful lie, but a lie nonetheless.

“Why do you think I cheated on you?”

“Because I am overweight.”

“That wasn't the reason. My infidelity was solely based on my selfishness and lack of self-control.”

“It's hard for me to believe that,” she replies as she unsuccessfully attempts to hold back tears. “But it’s a beautiful lie, and I appreciate it.”

Robert reaches out and takes her in his arms.

“I love every inch of you,” he says wiping her tears. But would it make you feel better if you lost weight?”

“Yes. I want to look like one of your runway mistresses. You said you never believed the grass was greener on the other side, but I believe if I lose weight then you and I will both see just how green that grass is. I'm not looking at those other women through rose-colored glasses. I see actual roses. They are roses in greener grass. And I'm not even pretty enough to be a rose that grew from concrete. So yes, I will feel better if I lose weight.”

Robert is taken aback but knows how important it is that he supports Kimberly. There are no words to undo the pain that he has caused, so he stops searching for them. He instead chooses to encourage her to make the changes she feels she needs in order

to be happy.

“You have my full support,” he says kissing her forehead. “I will be here every step of your weight loss journey.”

“Thank you,” she replies pulling away from him.”

“Where are you going?”

“To begin my journey. I'm about to go join the gym.”

Robert smiles at her.

“I'm proud of you baby. I'll be right here when you get back.”

Kimberly grabs her keys and purse, and makes her way to her car. Robert watches from the window with pride. After she pulls out of the driveway he reaches for his phone and makes a call.

“Hey,” a woman's voice on the other end of the phone says in a soft and seductive tone.

Robert's mind is racing as he paces around his living room. He isn't up for greetings or exchanging pleasantries.

“I can't do this with you anymore.”

One year later…

“I hear you when you tell me you love me. I hear you when you tell me that I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. I just don't see it. I stare at myself in the mirror every day and I don't see anything worth a second look. And I hate to re-open an old wound, but even though it’s been over two years since you cheated on me, its still crushing.  Crushing, yes because of the betrayal, but also because of the way those girls looked. Three different girls that all looked as if they walked right off of a runway. Clearly, you have a type, and I am not it. So yes, I hear you when you tell me that you love me, or that I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable, but I just don’t see it.”

“Well that sounded all too familiar.”

Startled, Kimberly turns around and sees Robert standing there with a look of frustration.

“That sounded exactly like the speech you gave me a year ago. One year and eighty pounds to be exact. You told me that you would feel better if you lost weight. And yet, here you are, eighty pounds lighter and still unhappy. So, what exactly is the problem?”

Kimberly is completely caught off guard. She had not yet decided if this was the speech that she wanted to give Robert.

“You weren't supposed to hear that.”

“Well I did,” Robert angrily responds. “So, answer my question. What exactly is the problem? Is it me?”

“No, it isn't you. It's me. I honestly believed the grass would be greener on this side. But it isn't. I'm still unhappy with who I see in the mirror. I get called beautiful almost daily, but I don't see what everyone else sees. When I dropped the first twenty pounds, I couldn't even see it. Regardless of how many people were telling me how good I looked, or how great of a job I was doing. I just couldn't see it. The only reasons I knew I was losing weight was because of the scale, and the difference in the way my clothes fit. But the eye test was always a failure. But now that I'm down eighty pounds, I do see a difference. Especially when I look at pictures from a year ago. I even feel healthier. But when do I start feeling pretty? When do I get to feel like the rose in greener grass? When do I get to feel like the women you cheated on me with?”

“I hate that you continuously bring those women up. But I hate even more that you can't stop comparing yourself to them.”

Robert is walking the line between anger and pity. Part of him wants to storm out of the room. The other part of him wants to hold her in his arms.

“I'm going to share something with you about those women. All three of them knew about you, and each other. They just dealt with it. The reason they dealt with it was because they didn't love themselves enough to walk away from me. You, and many other people looked at these women and thought they were beautiful. But each one of them hated what they saw when they looked in the mirror. I made them feel better about themselves.”

“And how did you do that? By telling them the same things you were telling me?”

“No, by leaving you to spend time with them. It made them feel special. It made them feel wanted because even though I had someone at home, I still made time for them. They were able to momentarily have something that was beautiful. Even though it wasn’t real.”

“Yeah, a beautiful lie,” Kimberly says shaking her head as if she just realized an ugly truth about Robert.

“Yeah, a beautiful lie,” he says in agreement. “All three of them suffer from depression. Two of them have even attempted suicide. They feel that that they are too ugly to be loved. Beauty is only in the eye of the beholder. And I'm sure they wish they could see themselves through your eyes.”

Kimberly looks deep into Robert's eyes as if she is literally trying to pierce the windows of his soul. She has never looked at him in such a manner. Robert is unsure of how to read her and decides that its probably best that he stop talking.

“That look in your eyes as you speak about them is very similar to the look you have when you speak about me. Up until this very moment I thought it was passion. But it isn't passion. And the more disappointing part is that it isn't even genuine. Its manipulation. I used to believe that physical abuse was the worst form of abuse. But that isn't the case. Psychological abuse is far worse. With physical abuse, the victim is able to fight back. But with psychological abuse, the victim is controlled, manipulated, and tricked into believing they don't possess the strength to fight. Those poor girls. Those poor, beautiful girls. They never got a chance to see you for who you truly are. They were so busy yearning to feel wanted that they never even realized how green their grass was when you weren't there. And I understand completely because I allowed you to paint the same illusion for me. The irony of it all is that me realizing how beautiful those women are is what made me aware of my own beauty. I have so much in common with them. In addition to feeling unattractive, and being manipulated by you, I also dealt with you seeing other women. A year ago, when you tried to break it off with them, I received a message. First from one, then eventually the other two. You tried to end things with them after we had that talk. I appreciated that. That was the reason I stayed and never said anything to you about it. But eventually you went back to them all. So, I would stay at the gym for hours at a time. Knowing that while I was running on the treadmill, you were running around with them. That treadmill represented so much for me. I was trying to run away from my problems, but I wasn't going anywhere. But I know my value now. And when you know your value it makes it a lot easier to walk away. The grass was never greener on the other side. And I have always, and will always be the rose in greener grass. Now get out of my yard Robert.”